When they ask, ‘Where were you the day that Jesus died?’ What am I going to tell them?

That I was standing at the foot of the cross, comforting his mother? That I was berating the authorities and telling them what a mistake they were making? Or that I was locked in a room in full self-preservation mode?

What have these last three years taught me, if not to take chances, to shake a soft fist at those who misuse their transient powers and to trust that God has everything in hand. But now the man, who was showing us a new way of living, who was a true teacher of what it means to love God and to love one another; the man whom I was proud to declare as ‘the Messiah, the Son of the living God.’ My closest and most dearest friend, has gone, and perhaps with it all of our hopes and dreams.

Yes, there were signs and warnings, he’d tried to prepare us, but perhaps we were too slow or too dull to really understand what he was talking about. Why would he look at me, Simon, son of Jonah, simply a fisherman and see someone who would be a rock on which to build anything, let alone his church.

How could he trust me to do such a thing, when I couldn’t even trust in him, even though he showed me time after time that I should. That it was possible to step out of my comfort zone and achieve the impossible. How confident I had felt when he told me to do just that and step out of the boat onto those foam flecked waves, eyes set firmly on him, able to walk as he walked. Until my trust wavered and was replaced by this same fear. Even then he caught me, but who will be there now to catch me when I fail, as fail I surely will without him.

So many incredible things that I’ve witnessed, the things we couldn’t explain, miracle after miracle, yet he couldn’t have done any of them if he wasn’t truly God’s Son. Not only satisfying people’s bodies with such meagre portions, the five loaves and two fishes, but curing their ailments, restoring their dignity, giving them another chance in life.

And those whom he literally did give them another chance to live, raising the widow’s son and Jairus’ daughter, and his dear friend Lazarus. I remember Martha, so annoyed that we were delayed, yet still hoping for the impossible, and sweet Mary, whose tears moved him and all us to tears. His breathing life back into them all to show God’s glory, but where is His glory now?

So many people whose lives have been turned around simply because they believed in him. A man who broke the rules to show us what was really important and all I could do at the end was to deny I even knew him. Such shame I will carry deep in my heart all the days that I have left to me.

Indeed, this weight of sorrow bears me down, yet it is nothing compared to the agony he must have suffered. John, with the assurance of youth, was brave enough to be with him at the last and has told us of the cruel way that they treated him. His head already bleeding from the crudely fashioned crown of thorns, they made him carry is own cross, the sheer weight of it too much, that it caused him to stumble and a complete stranger from the coastal town of Cyrene was made to help him. How ironic that it was my namesake that did what I should have been brave enough to do.

And then the taunts and jeers; the deep sorrow of the women and the unconscionable behaviour of the guards, gambling for his clothes. Yet, all who witnessed it to the very end say that his thoughts were for others, asking that they be forgiven, with his talk of paradise and concern for others future well-being.

This human life, so precious to us, that we cling to it as if there is nothing else that matters, yet His has been taken away. Did he feel that he had been abandoned? Forsaken, by his friends, by God himself? Even the one who betrayed us all, Judas, is dead. His heart and mind so full of despair and darkness that he couldn’t bear what he had done.

And when the end came, the sheer dark void of the moment, the world plunged into night as the light of the world was extinguished by those whose power is fickle and fleeting. Surely, theirs is not to be the triumph.

As he died, so the earth trembled and shook so hard that it tore not only the temple curtain in two, but each of our hearts. We will wait until it settles again and use the tools he has given us to try and tell the world what he lived to show us. That we must turn once more to God, to trust in his goodness and mercy and live lives that reflect his love for us, for each other and for Him.  

His body is now sealed in the cold of the tomb and no doubt the women will honour it once the Sabbath is over. But our greatest gift will be to keep his memory alive. For there can be no more talk of abandonment. Our work is just beginning.

When they ask, ‘Where were you the day that Jesus died?’ What am I going to tell them?

Amen